Nobody remembers the centerpieces

After 30-plus years in the rabbinate, including the past 23 serving two Pittsburgh congregations, I have attended more baby namings, b’nai mitzvah celebrations, weddings, anniversary parties, and the luncheons and dinners that follow than I could possibly count.

I’ve seen social halls and hotel ballrooms festooned with extravagant floral arrangements, elaborate ice sculptures, sumptuous dessert and cookie tables, and enough personalized cocktail napkins to wallpaper a small house.

And yet, when folks recall these celebrations, almost nobody mentions the centerpieces. Nor, for that matter, the monograms or menus.

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What do they remember? The unexpected toast that brought tears to everyone’s eyes. The family story nobody had heard before. The grandparent who surprised everyone by getting up to dance. Or the moment when something went hilariously awry and became part of family lore.

So allow me to offer this advice to anyone planning a celebration: Make your simcha festive. Make it fun. Spend what you wish. But above all, make it uniquely your own.

Jewish tradition has long understood that celebrating with intention and joy is serious business. We are commanded to rejoice on our festivals, to bring joy to bride and groom, and to mark life’s milestones with food and friends, music and merriment. We even have a name for a meal associated with fulfilling a sacred obligation: seudat mitzvah. And a special blessing, Shehecheyanu, to mark occasions of gratitude and joy.

Traditions we have in abundance. Yet there is no single formula for making a celebration meaningful.

My friend Rabbi Jeffrey Salkin, in his book “Putting God on the Guest List,” reminds families that a bar or bat mitzvah is about far more than a party. Celebrating this rite of passage offers an opportunity to connect a young person to something larger than themselves.

I couldn’t agree more. Indeed, I regularly remind b’nai mitzvah families that one of the most important things they can do is ensure the celebration is not entirely about the young person.

That may sound counterintuitive.

After all, whose name is on the invitation?

But becoming bar or bat mitzvah is not simply a personal achievement. It is an affirmation of a young adult belonging to a family, community, people, and a tradition that began long before this young person arrived and, God willing, will continue long after.

The same is true of weddings. Every wedding celebrates the beginning of something new. And every marriage also brings together two family stories already well underway.

So why not make these connections visible?

Perhaps the groom can wear a grandfather’s tallit, or the bride could wear her grandmother’s brooch. Perhaps Kiddush can be recited over the silver cup that weekly graced a family’s Shabbat table. Perhaps candlesticks brought from the Old Country can once again illuminate a family celebration. Take these treasures off the mantel, polish them up, and put them to use. In doing so, they become more than keepsakes. We turn them into heirlooms.

In my youth, it was not uncommon for American Jewish teens to twin their b’nai mitzvah with a Soviet Jewish refusenik, someone denied the freedom to celebrate their own Jewish identity. It was a powerful reminder that becoming an adult meant assuming responsibility for fellow Jews.

Times have changed, but the underlying teaching remains. Today, families might twin their child’s celebration with that of an Israeli immigrant, support a Jewish community rebuilding after tragedy, or direct charitable gifts toward organizations doing meaningful humanitarian work.

Many congregational b’nai mitzvah programs expect students to complete a mitzvah project. But why treat this as something dutifully checked off before the big day? Make the project central to the celebration. Invite guests to participate or contribute to the cause the young person has chosen.

Indeed, when planning (and paying for) a simcha, consider a contribution to MAZON: A Jewish Response to Hunger. What better occasion to help feed the hungry than when we gather to enjoy a festive meal? And how better to make real our values than when our own cup feels to overflowing?

And don’t forget the guests themselves. Jewish tradition elevates hachnasat orchim, welcoming guests, to a sacred obligation. Consider the relative who might appreciate a quieter table, the newcomer who doesn’t know anyone, or the friend who might otherwise feel overlooked.

The best parties are those at which everyone feels they belong. And the best celebrations strengthen relationships, connect generations, and remind us where we come from, what we value, and whom we love.
So go ahead. Agonize over the centerpieces if you must.

But remember that a celebration’s success cannot be measured by the extravagance of the menu, the band or the flowers. For long after the flowers have wilted, the music has stopped, and the last piece of cake has been eaten, what remains is how we made one another feel.

That’s what makes a celebration memorable. And perhaps even holy. PJC

Rabbi Aaron Bisno is the senior rabbi at Temple Ohav Shalom in the North Hills. Additionally, he serves as the Frances F. & David R. Levin Rabbinic Scholar at Beit Kulanu, and, through Bespoke Rabbinics, is available to officiate at personalized lifecycle events.