Fake news (It’s Purim!)

Jewish community turns to alternative noisemakers in the face of rising grogger prices

Tom Cohen and his wife, Melinda, approached Temple Israel with boxes of macaroni and cheese in hand.

The pair were there to see their daughter Shoshana perform in the congregation’s Purimshpiel and were using the lunchtime staple as fill-in noisemakers. Like many Jewish families across the country, traditional groggers had become cost prohibitive for the couple.

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“I never thought I’d see the day where a simple grogger was so expensive,” Tom said. “I have to admit, I was ignorant to the fact that most domestic groggers are actually manufactured from parts made outside of the country, and as such, are victims of tariffs.”

In fact, the simple noisemaker, which used to cost approximately $5, has risen more than 100% in recent days.

“You know, there were also more expensive groggers,” Tom said. “I know the Shapiros had one passed down from their parents — who got it from their parents, who snuck it into the country when they got here from a village in Poland — that was worth a pretty penny. I was foolish. I also bought new ones from the same wholesaler I used for prizes for our Purim carnival. Like the Good Book says, ‘You reap what you fail to sow.’ I’m paying the price.”

Melinda said she found the choice to be simple.

“Do I like schlepping a box of mac and cheese like a schlemiel? Of course not. But this is where we are,” she said. “I’m not going to pay $10 or $15 for an aluminum noisemaker, quite possibly manufactured using illegal immigrants, when I can run down to Aldi and pay 75 cents for a fill-in noisemaker. Plus, we’ll have lunch after the performance.”

Across town Jacob Mendelson and his wife, Deborah, were on their way to share in a community Purimshpiel at the local JCC. They, too, substituted makeshift noisemakers for the now pricey groggers.

“I guess it’s just another case of the haves and have-nots,” Jacob said. “I’m glad some people can still afford groggers. I guess I could afford them if I wanted to, but these one-pound boxes of elbow macaroni seem like a more prudent choice.”

Despite having to alter a generations-old tradition, Jacob said it was the blue collar workers for whom he had sympathy.

“I know the parts are sourced in Canada and Mexico, but the groggers are assembled in America and provided good jobs, at least for a few months out of the year,” he said. “Truth be told, I blame NAFTA. If we never moved our aluminum manufacturing out of the country, we wouldn’t be having these issues now.”

His wife said there were signs that came from outside of the Jewish community that she ignored.
“I have Christian neighbors who complained last year about the cost of eggs and the dye they used to color them for Easter. Like a fool, I ignored them thinking it wasn’t my problem. Well, we’re all paying the price now,” she said.

Despite the rising costs and scarcity of aluminum groggers, most congregations have vowed to continue staging their annual Purimshpiels.

“The Talmud is pretty clear,” Rabbi Max Levin said. “We’re supposed to blot out the name of Haman. I get it’s not the same to use a box of mac and cheese or Hamburger Helper but these are the times in which we’re living. I guess we can all take solace in the fact that, for now, the price of a bottle of slivovitz hasn’t risen too much.”

Fressflix premieres ‘The Great Jewish Cooking Show’

Following the success of rival Netflix’s “The Great British Baking Show,” Fressflix, a new streaming service, announced that “The Great Jewish Cooking Show” is slated to premiere this summer.

Like its U.K. predecessor, “The Great Jewish Cooking Show” will introduced a group of skilled amateur chefs showcasing their best dishes in a 10-week competition. The winner will be named “Nosher Macher” and will receive a silver-plated chopped liver mold.

TGJCS follows the general formula of TGBBS but promises some notable differences. While the contestants of the British version prepare their dishes under a tent in a bucolic setting, the Jewish competitors will find themselves shvitizing in a party room on the first floor of a Boca Ratan condominium.

Like its British counterpart, TGJCS will feature themed cooking challenges each week. Week 1 is “Schmaltz Week,” with the first trial having participants create four-layered dessert trifles. Each layer must have a chicken fat base and, adhering to kashrut laws, no dairy ingredients are allowed.
Subsequent episodes are “Kugel Week” (sweet and savory), “Gefilte Fish Week” and the crowd-pleasing “Kishke Week,” which features a showstopper challenge using stuffed intestines to create replicas of the Second Temple.

Celebrity judges Saul Hollywood and Prue Levy will taste-test all the dishes. Each week, they will name one person Star Chef and relegate the losing contestant to a room that smells like kasha.

Plans to grow Pittsburgh’s Jewish community revealed in writing

Pittsburgh’s Jewish community is growing — in square feet. A memo obtained from the Greater Pittsburgh Jewish Coalition indicates a strategic path forward for regional landsmen.

“Per recommendations of an assigned task force, based on those of independent consultants secured by members of an earlier working group, is a proposal to purchase additional buildings in the East End neighborhood.”

The buildings, according to the memo, will be converted into synagogues.

“Based on perennial practices, as pointed out in the report from commissioned experts, one constant of Jewish life is prayer. As such, we believe the best way forward is back. Building more synagogues will give more people more pathways to live more Jewishly.”

Appended to the memo is a timeline dating to Babylonian rule demonstrating the prominence of permanent places of worship. Circles, check marks and a scribbled thumbs-up appear next to the El Ghriba Synagogue, Ben Ezra Synagogue of Cairo and Touro Synagogue. A QR code takes readers to copies of President George Washington’s 1790 letter to the Hebrew Congregation in Newport, Rhode Island, and President William Taft’s 1909 address at Rodef Shalom Congregation in Pittsburgh.
Authors of the memo, who declined to speak with the Chronicle, drafted their names in similar fonts indicating the likely use of Docusign.

“With warmer weather upon us and mortgage rates reaching a four-month low, Providence be our guide and history a diviner of good fortune,” the memo reads. “Rabbinic literature teaches ‘ein sicha ela tefilah,’ conversation is prayer. Come, let us build so that we may strive, seek, find and not yield.” PJC