The power and possibilities of reconciliation

The story of Toldot is a story of struggles. The first struggle occurs in the womb of Isaac’s wife, Rebecca. First, she is infertile, but Isaac prays for her to bear a child. And when Rebecca becomes pregnant, the discomfort she feels compels her to inquire to God about her condition. God tells her there are two nations in her womb, and the older will end up serving the younger. The struggle between the twin brothers, Jacob and Esau, begins even before their birth.

The Torah takes us almost straight from the birth of Esau and Jacob to their young adulthood. The first thing we learn after their birth is vayigdelu ha’nearim, the boys grew up. We learn nothing about their childhood. We are simply told that Esau was a hunter and Jacob was a mild man, although we learn during the portion that he is rather clever, even it means taking advantage of his brother when he is hungry.

But it is clear there is division, not just between Jacob and Esau, but also between Isaac and Rebecca, as Isaac favors Esau while Rebecca favors Jacob. We can infer, even if not told directly, that this division inevitably affected the children and how they were raised. The competition that took place in the womb continues for years until Esau and Jacob reconcile later in life. While there is some rabbinic criticism about the way the sons were raised by Isaac and Rebecca, it is not clear — in light of the prophecy revealed to Rebecca — that anything done by the parents could have changed their natures.

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The struggle in the womb and the later struggle between Esau and Jacob appears to be pre-ordained, much like later in Genesis when Joseph meets the brothers who tried to kill him. Joseph recognizes that his brothers’ actions were part of God’s plan. He even tells them that, to allay their fear of retribution by the now-powerful Joseph. But that realization does not alter the pain of the struggle that all the parties, parents and children, felt while it was happening. The reconciliations do not change the pain caused for years to entire families.

There are several themes that recur in the three generations of our patriarchs and matriarchs. Sarah is infertile and has a child at the age of 90 with the help of God. Rebecca is infertile and has twins with the help of God. Rachel has difficulty with conceiving and eventually dies during the birth of her younger son, Benjamin.

In each of these generations there is favoritism of some kind and conflicts between siblings. However, in all three generations, there is a pattern of reconciliation. Isaac and Ishmael come together to bury their father, Abraham. Esau and Jacob come together to bury their father, Isaac, after having dramatically reconciled. Joseph and his brothers reconcile as well, and they actually settle on land provided to them through Joseph’s efforts in Egypt.

One has to wonder what life would have been like in all these generations if there had been less division and conflict within families. But perhaps that is the point of these sagas. We can see laid out before us the pain that conflict creates within and between families. We can see how much a family deteriorates when competition and disagreement get out of control. We see this later in the Torah as well, when Moses is confronted by a revolt within his extended Levite family as Korach challenges Moses and Aaron about leadership and power. Before Moses takes the steps leading to Korach’s eventual destruction, he tries to get Korach to listen to him. And when that doesn’t work, he addresses the gathered Levites to stop the situation from deteriorating further.

How much more so must it be when an entire nation becomes divided. How weakened does a divided people become? Yet the Torah teaches us in the stores of all three generations that reconciliation is always possible, even if there are risks involved, such as when Jacob approaches Esau without knowing whether Esau would kill him. The risk is worth it as the men embrace and come to terms with their past disagreements. Jacob risks his life, and Esau’s heart is opened.

We even see God’s attempt at reconciliation with the people of Nineveh, as he sends Jonah to warn them of impending doom. Despite Jonah’s hesitance, the message of reconciliation is received and taken to heart by the people of Nineveh, thus saving them from a horrible fate.

The attempt at reconciliation by a party to a dispute or a break in a relationship can potentially bring a measure of healing. And often the attempt by one party opens the heart of the other to accept a reconciliation. But it is very clear that both parties must work to heal a reputation, whether it be between members of a nuclear family, such as in the case of our matriarchs and patriarchs, or in a larger group, such as the Levite tribe or Jacob and Esau’s large extended families.

When the people of Nineveh take advantage of the offer of God, we see the potential for reconciliation of entire nations when given the opportunity to do so. And while reconciliation may be one of the greatest struggles of all, the strength, peace and unity that result is generally worth it. This is especially true in the reconciliation of the individual with God, a route we all know is available to each of us. The difference in that relationship is when we make the sincere effort, we are guaranteed acceptance and reconciliation. And perhaps that is the example we need when someone makes the effort to reconcile with us.

Can every dispute or relationship be reconciled? Perhaps not. But the Torah teaches us that odds are that the answer is yes. PJC

Rabbi Yaier Lehrer is the rabbi of Adat Shalom Synagogue.